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Week Eighteen

I just made a post over at fatshionista about a comment one of my Brownies made last night that cut into me a lot.

I almost find it a little funny that I am hurt by this, too. I have a "goal weight", sure, and that is something I still think about. However, my purpose with using SP was to get a better picture of my eating and exercise and some of the trends around those two. When and why am I eating what i eat? When and why do I skip out on going to the gym or another form of exercise?

My focus has not been to be "thin." No no. That's not what I want.

What I want is to feel strong again, to feel healthy again, to need my meds less, to move my body with ease again. 50lbs ago I was thinner, certainly, but I was still curvy and plus-sized. Just differently so.

So there is still a number, a goal. It's not the be all and end all, though. It's just there. It's where I remember feeling strong, healthy, free to move. It's where I didn't need meds, where I was proud of what my body could do and mostly proud of how it looked.

We're all moved into the new place. Well, mostly. My desk is still in pieces, and none of the books are unpacked, least until we get a bookshelf. My clothes are almost all unpacked. The apartment is lovely, and waking up next to Adam is lovely, and the view when I walk to the bus in the morning is lovely.

Softball season started on Tuesday, and it's going to be rad. I ache in muscles I forgot existed, and it's all kinds of wonderful. Our team needs some... work, but we'll have a tonne of fun no matter how well we do.

Also, it's my birthday next week. Where did THAT come from?


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 11th, 2007 01:48 am (UTC)
Hey doll,

Just went and read the post you made. *squish* Kids can be cruel. Want to hear a similar story?

Since I moved out of home I have gained around 8kg. That said, I am still a pretty small girl and and am still in the healthy BMI range, whatever that means...

Last year when preparing for our ballet show I missed the costume fitting for some rented tutus... One of the teenage (13 at the time) girls had put one aside for me and proudly presented it to me at the next rehearsal saying "here you go!! I got the biggest one for you, I didn't want you to miss out!". Now I KNOW she wasn't trying to insult me, and I KNOW that of course teenagers, especially 13-14 year olds still going through puberty are going to be considerably smaller than me but man did that hurt. Its not always the intention that hurts huh? Having someone else publically draw attention to something that is a private struggle is hardhardhard.

I was really impressed by the comments left on your post btw.

I'm glad to hear you are doing better and enjoying living with adam. What is he doing now?

Do you feel like you have your motivation back now?


May. 11th, 2007 05:50 am (UTC)
Hi love!

Yeah, kids are ... a constant learning experience. Yes, the attention is certainly a hurtful part of it. And, I think, especially in the dance world, it can get even more complicated than just the "average" complications about body image. I know that 8 years out of it, I'm still dealing with the issues from it, the memory of actions or comments from teachers and examiners and other dancers.

Adam is working on finding a job, and getting our house organised. I think he's getting a little antsy about having a job.

Motivation is coming back, piece by piece. Slow process.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )